Ask The Author Advie Column
by cliched02
Summary: An Author's advice colmumn at Hogwarts! RR PG 13 for swearing and content latah on
1. I like

**_Ask the Author...An Advice column!  
_**  
**Dear Author, I really like this girl, she's a bok woorme but I'm not sure she likes me so I just make fun of her, and then I think she hates me more. What should I do to make her like me more?  
  
Signed, Frekkle facie.**

_Dear Frekkle facie,  
__Let's go over some reasons why she might not like you:  
_

__

_You can't spell__You can't use grammar to save your life.  
__You make fun of her__You call her a book worm for the whole world to see  
__You have freckles.__Now lets go over the ways that you can get her to like you  
__Be nice to her  
__Kill yourself  
__Get smart (This may be impossible for YOU)  
__Get plastic surgery.  
__Really, it's obvious, who would want to date someone like you? No one! Now please don't write to me again, its pathetic questions like this that make me miserable.  
_

__

_P.S. Frekkle facie? You have to be kidding...moron  
_**Dear Author,  
**

****

****

I like this guy but I think he likes me, but I'm not sure. He's kind of oblivious to this fact. Also, we're friends and I wouldn't want to harm our friendship.Bushy hair  
_Dear 'Bushy hair,'  
  
Forget him...I have the perfect idiotic stupid ugly guy for you! Frekkle facie! Now you can both be losers with out people that like you together!  
_**Dear Author,**

****

** I like this girl but she's a whole year younger than me.  
**

**Scarry  
**_Dear 'Scarry'  
  
Big deal. How about asking me something next time?  
_

__

__

**Dear Author,  
**

****

I like this guy, but he's older than me.Redhead  
_Dear Redhead,  
  
Big deal. Get a life. Who cares? I'm not saying anything important because you didn't either!  
_

__

__

__

Disclaimer: JKR owns all....the characters. I guessNote: This will have more than one chapterR&R!Tell me what you think, flames are welcome. 


	2. A Problem, a complaint, a love note and ...

_**Ask the Author!!!!! ADVICE COLUMN!**  
_

**_Chapter 2: A Problem, a complaint, a love note and a death.  
_**  
**Dear Author,  
  
Well, you see, I have this embarrassing problem. I wet my bed. What should I do?  
  
Draco Malfoy...I mean Ferret...I mean....Lil Wetter...  
**

****

****

_Dear 'Draco Malfoy...I mean Ferret...I mean...Lil Wetter,  
  
You are a moron. You just told the whole world that you wet your bed. Congratulations. (Idiot)  
  
Here are some answers to your problems...Even though everyone already knows.  
  
Rubber sheets (Knowing you, you would possibly soak through them...or maybe roll in your own pee...I hope for the latter).  
  
Diapers...although this would make your ass look fatter...Not great with one like you already have.  
  
Go to the bathroom before you go you go to bed...I bet you were too stupid to even think of this one.  
  
Ummm...errr... that's about it... O, wait a minute, I have an idea...its professional too.  
  
Put your hand in a cup of warm water while you go to bed.  
  
Good bye...moron._

__

__

**Dear Author,  
  
I have a problem with you insulting people that write here!**

****

****

_Your big fat ass point, you moron?_

__

I as the author from the column find this one completely disturbing...the next one, you moron...

**Dear Author,****  
  
I am totally smitten with you. Love you soooooo much.  
  
Gerogy Crabe and Visent Goal  
**

****

_This is sad. You love me, and your morons. You don't even know your names correctly and you can't spell them right to boot. Get away from me you creeps._

__

**Dear Author,  
  
I have some things that I need to tell you.  
  
You are mean to people.**

** You should stop. **

**You don't give good advice **

**The guy that liked me dumped me because I took your advice. **

**You suck **

**You have bad hair **

**What do you put in your hair to make it so frizzy **

**You made Neville Longbottom change his sex to be with my ex-boyfriend **

**I hate you **

**I shall hunt you down **

**You are dead meat.  
  
A concerned citizen of Hogwarts**

****

_I would write 'Dear 'A concerned citizen of Hogwarts,'  
  
But seeing as I have eliminated them, what would be the point? Although I  
will go through there list, and have responses for those that are  
concerned to see.  
  
One thing to say: I hate you._

_ You have a fat ass. Bitch. _

_What do you mean? __I advised you not to make me angry... M_

_aybe he dumped you because you were you? I _

_know you do, but what do I? Or am I... _

_I know you do slimy git..._

_ I use your hair gel...arsehole_

_ Maybe Neville wanted to switch rather than being with you? Or maybe your ex likes Neville better than you _

_Same _

_Too late _

_No, you are. _

Disclaimer: J.K. Owns all the characters you recognize...Thanks to my one reveiwer!

Remember..Stay in school!

R&R


	3. no title casue

> > > * * *
>>> 
>>> ASK THE AUTHER CHAPTER 3
>>> 
>>> read my other stories!  
  
This is going to be short, because, the author is at her wits end with making fun of people.  
  
No Title, cause I'm lazy  
  
)()()()()()(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  
  
**Dear Author,  
  
I have this problem. There is this girl that I like, but she doesn't like me, also, everyone thinks that she's coo coo. What should I do?  
  
Nev.  
**  
_Dear Nev.  
  
Ugh. I hate this and people like you.  
  
Ask her out  
  
She'll go with you because she's cuckoo. (Its one word, not two, the one who is incapable of spelling.)  
  
Who cares about your problems? Why are you writing to me? I don't believe in magic, no sir! AND- WAIT A MINUTE, you're a goddamn wizard, fix your own problemo. UGH! I AM AT MY WITS END WITH YOU!  
  
Go kill your self and make me happy.  
  
The author that's too good for you.  
_  
**Dear Author, I accidentally did something that I wasn't supposed to do. What should I do?  
  
Herm.  
**  
_Herm,  
  
Do I like a mind reader? Tell me what you did, and then I can help you. Freak...I am getting to old for this...I need a vacation. Give me your money.  
  
_**Dear Author,  
  
Tell me what happens at the end of book six!  
  
HP!  
**  
_HP,  
  
Do I look like J.K. Rowling? I might call my self the author, but, not in that sense, you none humorous whiny little kid._  
  
**Dear Author,  
  
What happened? Your responses are no longer funny?  
  
Lover of Drakie poo  
**  
_Dear, lover of Drakie Poo,  
  
Do I look like I care? It's not my job to entertain you freaks. off you !  
  
_**Dear Author,  
  
YOU HAVE ONE A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS!  
  
You-won Forsure  
**  
_Do I need to respond? HERE I COME BAHAMAS!_

Sorry about this messed up chapter. My sense of humor has disappeared. ..A better one coming soon 


End file.
